Think of you later.

things with me and big have been rocky.
we have been fighting non stop.
My day is the same everyday

Wake up
call big
go to school
go to work
Text big
big comes over
we fight
we make up
he leaves
I sleep
day after day the same thing.
I’m getting annoyed.
I feel as though passion is the olnu thing tying us together at this point.
no matter what I cannot get rid of that flame that burns within me.
I tried so hard to get him…and now that I got him- I’m starting to wonder:
“when will things be perfect?”
But I know the answer. And the answer is: NEVER.
plain and simple..NEVER

What we have is now. My book has olny just begun. I can never change this chapter. Or any other chapters. But I do have control over my desteny.
big & I : We may be together forever. We may break up in an hour.
what we have is now.
No one knows what the future may bring.
So we need to embrace the presence.
So presently I am: in love with Big. Fighting with my parents. Warding off guys. Sitting on my 26th floor balcony. Blogging from my iPhone. And chain smoking.

I feel content.be cause I know no matter what road I take in life. No matter who is with me. No matter anything.
I am me.

Peace love& the moment!

Blog title:” Think of you later”: every avenue

 

still here.

i lost my password… but i got it now.

keep reading!

d&a&s&h&i&n&g

 

you can’t be serious!

This morning i woke up and saw my reatainer from back when I was in middle school in this box. So I went to put it It on and I noticed it was a little snug… So I decided to leave it in.
Well today at work I saw some girlthat I knew from back in 10th grade shes likes my mr.big….a little much. She had a crush on him. And she never liked me. She was one of those girls that thought she was popular but she never really was.
well I went toy desk and my supervisor walked on and told me I was going to have to train her. (she as new). I thought it would be a good oppertunity to put the past behind us. Well I went togo say hi and tell her sh would be working in my office. And she gave me the big fuck-you look….I was trying to be positive but she clearly didn’t want that.
So I trained her and she of course was extrealy difficult.

Well we went for our much brake and I seth retainer on the table by my bow of Panda Express noodles and I had to get up for a second to grab my phone…..
well I came back andy retainer was gone. And she as the olny one there. Well I asked her if she saw it and she was like “no….I didn’t know I was baby sitting” I was like “no, I was wondering of you’ve seen it?” she again gives the same stupid fucking speech.
so I get and by this time I gave up on looking my retainer and I walk to the garbage to through my food away and there it is…..my retainer.
right on top of the garbage.
you can’t be serious.

Peace love & grudges
[D][a][s][h][I][n][g]

 

watch out you might just go under.

last night was a mess. big and I got into a big fight.

I told him that day that was going to go to lunch at ” el monte”with a boy I went to school with when I was in first grade. His name is chase. We then went shopping and caught a late afternoon movie….”house bunny”. (halarious)
He’s hella sexy. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tattos, peircings, and the most amazing stlye.
big on the other hand has brown hair, brown eyes. Hes really muscular and preppy.
They’re both really attractive and I see that. Bug knows that have this thing for guys with an edge and, I think that really worried him.
he assumed I hooked up with chase and got all pissed at me. Whenever big gets mad its not like a good mad. Its like 3-year-old mad.
I was pissed that he was assuming that we hooked up so I got mad and them he did.
he left
he hasn’t texted me yet which is odd.
I know he needs his space. But seriously is this a case of…
me crossing the boundries.
or is it Big being to posesive.

Peace, love & conflict.
Dashing.

Title comes
from
“disturbia” – Rhianna

 

Guess what I’m having more fun!

after me and bigs session we have been inseperable.
He still has his “girlfriend” but, that doesn’t bother me.
we did have a little break this weekend.
I went up to a friends house to see her baby and big had a fashion show. …. Its his weekend job
during our weekend apart I missed him. He called me about eight times but I didn’t answer. I would end up talking to him all night of I did.
none of my friends know that we are dating. And that’s how I want it. Its so funny how it all works out:
He’s on his way here. YAY!

Title is from the song: P!nk “so what”

Tomaroww will be busy. I have a 600 invites to send out and and interview with “blog life” (a magazine about blogging) I was picked as a “up and coming writer”
I will post it later.

Well as always my Iphone is dying and I’m craving my “camel •9 menthols”
Peace love and
Lapdances
D•A•S•H•I•N•G

 

And then we kissed.

Last night was an odd night.
big asked me if I would come to his work to hang out with him.
My reaction was strictly on impulse. Apparently he wanted me to veiw his tatoo.
Big works at a fitness center not too far from where I reside. So I got ready after about an hour and a half of making him wait I showed up.
he informed me that he was in back (via text). So I walked back to see the guy who stole my heart. The guy I have been trying so desperatly to to get off my mind.
I walked in to the smelly work out area olny to see big working up a sweat. And he looked like a god.
we talked and joked. Laughed about old times, talked about or difficult times.
We discussed our recent activities. And our hope for the future.
I stayed until it was time for him to close and head home.
but before I left big leaned over to me.

and then we kissed

.
long passionate kiss
My knees got weak
the wall behind me was the olny support I had.
our lips met
for the fist time
I was running in pure euphoria:
I fell
I fell so hard for him all over again.
the cobwebs were dusted off the butterflies in my stomach.
I knew I was in trouble.
I left after my time with him with a marlboro light in hand and thoughts racing in my head:

is it fate that now that i want to forget him he’s texting my phone non stop?

Was this just a kiss?
will it devolpe into something else. Something that could ily be described as magical

For the first time I felt that everynight that I stayed up until 11:11 was worth it.
everytime I flipped a cigarette was worth it.
my past three bithday wishes all worth it.

I felt that kiss all night.

After staying up until the sun rised…my body fell asleep
smiling

We kissed and no one can take that away.

 

Friend or Faux

Style is what defines us as humans.
we dess to express.
you wear black to a funeral to show sypathy.
you wear team colors to express loyalty
You wear things to show your mood, belifs, commitments (jobs), conformity (uniforms)

You dress certain ways to represent certain things.

If my friendship with barbie was one of fakeness it of could be an outfit I would say of would be a big faux fur coat. Faux leather stillettos and and a faux louie bag.

It was based on lies. She’s stabbed me in the nack over the past five years. She’s spread rumors about me when my back was turned. She sabotaged me with out me knowing. She betrayed me.

We haven’t spoken in about 3 weeks.

I
forgive her though. I
will not get angry about it.
I will not react at all.
I have ni control over what happens I cannot go back and change the past. but I can control the future. If I want to savalge my reputaion I need to get rid of the reason I need to salvage it.

By barbie.
Hello marlboro light

 

one step at a time.

so I’ve been in love but today I came to the conclusion:

Big and I should reamain friends and that’s it. Falling for him was the worst possible thing. I really lost sense of who I am. I don’t even know anymore. to be honest he consumes most of my thought. The time I put into thinking about him is time I will never get back. But from bow on I am going to put my thoughts into something more productive.
I know that I wont be able to get over him today, tommarow or even months from now.
when we have school the same feelings will find there way back to me. But, its my job not to let them get the best of me.
I need to find my self.
And I hope you will all be reading throught the process.

Well the outside is where I will enjoy and terroize my lungs
a marlboro light needs smoking

Find who you are

Dashing

 

you want to show the world. but, no one knows your name yet.

so of has been a few days scince I graces cyberspace with my words on love.

The truth about love is.
everyone will fall in love at one point.
we will all feel it.
we will all live it.
we will all breathe it.
it will consume us.
and it is something we will all learn from.
when you fall in live with that first person it will also be the haredest.
I fell for my best friend. And with that came feelings of
lost
confusion
need
obbeession
and many other umdescribable feelings.
How did we get here? Was it fate that I dropped spanish and got put in a study hall with him? Was of written in the stars that we would become more than great friends?
He Is the reason I wake up. He is the one person that can make my day. His texts are like mini live letters. He makes it hard for me to breathe- he makes it hard for me to sleep. He rocks my world. I can olny hope I secretly do the same for him.
everyday I wake up and think ” today will be the day he css around and realizes that of was written across the millions of stars in the sky tonight for us to come together. He is what drives me. He is my drug. He brings me a feeling g of euphoria that cannot be attained by any drugs.
I love him to no lengths.
Big and I have had our ups and most recently our downs.
he drives me nuts when he texts me.
He has takeny gaurd down. I am valnerable when I am with him. I can’t wait till
tomaroew when be texts me again.

Love is paient.

Mr. Bradshaw.

 

I am so in love-the side effects

story.
once upon a time in a little town there was this girl. She was pretty. Her parents had more money than anyone else in town. she always got whatever she desired.
Life for her was perfect. She was just about to start her senior year. She was on track to become valedictorian, class president, head of the schools yearbook, she was getting offfers from colleges everyday. She was friends with everyone.
the morning of the begining of her senior year she woke up: and for the first day in a long time she woke up happy. She was going to see the boy she fell head over heals in love with the year before. She got ready. She put on her makeup and hopped into her new BMW that she had revived from her parents the month before.
when she got to the school everyone had theyre eyes on her. But she olny had her eyes on him.
she wanted to play hard to get and see if he would come to her. He didn’t.
she went home that night and cried herself to sleep. But as determined as the day before she went to school with the hope of his eyes noticing her. They didn’t.
She took a risk and walked up to him. But noticed that theyre was somone else by him. His girlfriend.
she still talked to him everyday they texted and hung out. And her live grew deeper. With every text he sent. And everyword he spoke, she fell and she fell hard.
She re-arranged her schedual so that she could have classes with him. She made up problems so that she would get his sympathy. She made up stories about guys hoping he would get jealous.
her senior year was perfect in everyone else eyes but hers. The one thing she wanted-she didn’t have. She was heart broken. She acted like she wasn’t. She acted like she was fine.
the night of her graduation she was set to give her speech as valedictorian. She had a perfect 4.0 gpa and her perfect life in the eyes of everyone who knew her.
on the night of her graduation She broke down. With the feelings she bottled up pouring out. She went out to her dad garage and took a rope.
She was found dead with a note by her.
“I can’t take it.
I wanted the one thing
i couldnt have.
I love him”
when the boy heard this he broke down as well. He had never said it but he liked her as well.he had never said the words. The words that haunted him. He never told her because he thought she was out of his league. He thought that all the guys she spoke of were real. With the loss of his first love- the boy was left with regret. He wished he could have just said the words-the word that haunted him like a gohst.later that night with a broke heart the boy took his life as well.
Two teenagers that never said how they felt tool theyre lives. If olny they knew that if they olny spoke the words that raced through theyre mind all day and all night.
now the small town is dealing with:
the side effects.

People say what you need to say. Life is too short not to say how you feel. Be bold. Be strong. Take the risk. Take the fall. You may end up with a broken heart. But at least the thought of: what if? Will not stick to your mind.

Dash